Painting and Showing

Some of the most fun I had this past year - in fact, one of the highlights of the year - was showing my art and having it hung, particularly at the Upstate Artists Guild gallery. But, I think perhaps I revealed myself too soon. I am not sure.

I sold one painting this year, and it was mostly a barter deal (painting for its value in beer, whiskey and cigars over time).

But it is not for reasons of commerce...or failure of commerce...that I think I should lay low, at least for 6 months. It is because I think I need to grow and expand more as a painter:

I need to experiment more.

I need to learn more (by reading, looking at art, making love, talking to people...not through formal schooing).

I need to go deeper within myself.

This is a talent that I originally found on the advent of turning 30, from which I turned away when I fell in love, got engaged, got married, and to which I did not return until fall of 2007. And I have thoroughly enjoyed it. The artistic process...whatever that is...the creative process. The organizing of materials, the notepads, the many bar napkins from which fully realized concepts emerged. But I want to nurture it. And savor it. And enjoy it. For myself.

I'm not a total recluse...I will keep my artist site. But I think for a bit, I will not submit anything for a physical showing...for a little while. And of course, I will post things here, both in progress and completed.

INT: Blue Movie Motel, SF, CA

The painter lay back
on the bed
and watched Sadie undress.

Usually he liked to help.
He would stand behind and
unfasten buttons,
pull sweaters and tops over heads,
gently pull down skirts and blue jeans,
all the while
kissing or biting necks,
wrapping arms around waists and shoulders...
all this in front of the mirror, so they could watch.

But this afternoon, in this motel,
with Sadie,
whom he had yet to see naked,
the painter felt like watching,
as she slowly undressed for him,
unfastening her own buttons,
pulling off her top over her head,
gently sliding her skirt down and stepping out of it.

And the painter lay back and stoically sipped his bourbon,
and when she was almost totally naked,
he firmly said:

"leave the pearls on."

(c) fprm, 2009.

Progress on this Cold Day

What better to paint on a cold January day than a tropical scene, with a volcano of course (white space on painting is where it will go). Volcanos are a bit of a motif in these tropical paintings; I have not pulled out my dream analysis to determine what it symbolizes, but I will soon [Update, dormant volcanos are feelings and issues resolved and laid to rest; erupting volcanos represent either an inability to control emotions or unresolved emotional issues. Ha! Why am I not surprised. fprm, 1-10-09, 7:12 p.m.]. For this piece, as yet untitled, I wanted a very minimal representation of my tropical paradise scene. There may be some additional detail, but not the same detail as in the studio pictures or the studies of coffee cups or whiskey glasses.

Saturday

Today it is a cold Saturday in Albany.

And it is chili day: ground beef and kidney beans, simmering in red wine (Bully Hill's Baco Noir), with a new chili powder concoction I put together. It includes chili powder, salt, pepper, lots of cumin, some nutmeg, a bit of cinammon and a tablespoon of 8 o'clock coffee grinds.

Earlier, I made pancakes and dedicated them to a friend of mine, who enjoys pancakes.



And then I started doing a little painting.

Below are some examples of paintings completed and in progress.

The Playwright's Study



Volcano and Orange Moon



and

Redhead in Bed - in progress



What is both fun and frustrating for me with oil, as opposed to acrylic, is that I start something new while waiting for others to dry, and it seems as if I do not finish many. Completion is a good thing, but the process...the creative process is more important.

It is supposed to snow tonight into tomorrow, heavily I guess and up to 10" possibly. It is a good day to stay in and paint...drink a beer and have some chili.

Bring on 2009

It is fair to say, with very few exceptions, that 2008 was a very bad year.

It may in fact have been one of the worst years of my life, so far.

Job loss, fiscal stress, postponement of separation/divorce because of job loss/fiscal stress, turning 40 (which is not so bad in and of itself), getting bifocals (again, not bad of itself, just icing on the cake), not being able to find a decent job (which reflects on my abilities, or lack thereof). Most of it, of course, seems to be of my own doing...at least I can acknowledge tha, and the changes that need to be made are mine. But still, it felt like one thing on top of another. Enough of 2008.

Not that everything was bleak.

Lilybet is growing and becoming quite a little girl. She is very smart and very bright and quick. We need to work on her temper a bit, but then again, I need to work on mine as well. It's fun to watch her grow and learn and interact with the world. She is the love of my life.

Painting was good, too. I had pieces hang at the Upstate Artists Guild in January, March, June, August and November. Nothing sold, but I am out there. Not bad for a beginner.

And I made a new friend, in mid-March, who has been wonderful with me - affectionate, supportive, philosophical, just an all round beautiful person. People like her are rare in this world. That is not to dismiss or diminish the impact of other new friends or old friends and family, who have been supportive and loving, but I stress this one in particular, because it was the right friend at the right moment in time.

And I am alive, I have my health, I have been painting, writing, reading a lot of good books.

Maybe it was not so bad after all...

But hopefully, 2009 will be a year in which I can turn things around...I will be teaching in January again, and I will be looking for other work. Lilybet will turn 7 (what a great age), and maybe Lisa and I will finally be able to get our paperwork together and move forward. That would be nice...for all three of us.

The Future

On Friday, I will have my last piece for the year hanging at the Upstate Artists Guild. The piece is called, "AI (Artificial Inspiration): Recharging." If you are in the Albany area Friday night, check it out..

Unemployment has not been fun and it has been very very stressful. Sometimes, I get chest pains relative to the stress, but at least I know that they are not heart-related and are likely to be connected to acid reflux more than anything else. Of course, I only care because I have a daughter to raise. And to be quite honest, I am philosophically torn in what values I want to teach her, as far as work and money, etc. How about telling her that she should work on what she enjoys doing, what fulfills her, and if it does not make that much money, to learn not to want. It is the wanting that gets us in trouble.

And in terms of beer, and food, and women, books and song, I am as guilty as anyone.

And sometimes, there is the self-pity phase: what in the world did I do so wrong to have my marriage fall apart(well, i am sure that is 75 percent my fault), to lose my job, and to not be able to get back to where I was. Or where did I go wrong on my path...surely something went wrong for me to end up where I am.

I am wondering what the life lesson is...and when will this end...or do I have it in my power to end it myself.

Writer's Block

...having the hardest time beginning the novel...don't know what to do, where to go, how to begin it.

this may be a function also of some other stressors upon me: the inability to get a decent job, or, it seems, any job, which is not a pleasant situation to face in the middle of a possible recession, and with mortgages and debts and home equity loans, daughter's future, etc. a lot of people do better when they have to write under stress. not yours truly. i enjoy the leisurely pace, creating when i feel like it.

well, i feel like it, but can't do it.

[just got a hug from my little girl...what a sweet voice she has; time to go down and snuggle with her on the couch...it is a wet and rainy day in albany: what else worthwhile is there to do?]