Quote from "Darkness Visible"

Here's a quote from the Styron book, Darkness Visible, which I underlined in my copy, because it made sense to me:

"At a later date, I would gradually be persuaded that devastating loss in childhood figured as a probable genesis for my own disorder; meanwhile, as I monitored my retrograde condition, I felt loss at every hand. The loss of self-esteem is a celebrated symptom (me: yes, it is!), and my own sense of self had all but disappeared, along with any self-reliance (me: thankfully that has not happened yet)...One dreads the loss of all things, all people close and dear. There is an acute fear of abandonment. Being alone in the house, even for a moment, caused me exquisite pain and trepidation."

There is no way...at this stage...that what I feel is anywhere near what the late Mr. Styron experienced and what he describes in his most excellent treatise on depression. But it is there. It is real, and it is foolish to hide it.

I may lose friends or social aquaintances discussing this (at least the ones who are thin-skineed and only enjoy me when I am up), and my family are likely not to read the blog anyway. But the fact remains that this is real and it is healthier to have out there than to bury it deep within...which is where it probably has been, untreated, for years.

And I do want to clarify: this probably contributed to the end of marriage, and is not a result of it.

I am trying to map my way out of it.

Part of the transformation process!