Over the past few months, if not year, I've been frustrated in my attempts to get work on a full-time basis, for various reasons, and I have felt a bit demoralized. Sometimes I'm not good enough, sometimes I'm overqualified and they are afraid I would up and leave, sometimes it was not even worth sending in an application because I didn't have the right skills. Sometimes it seemed as though I am not trying hard enough.
In any case, it's been very depressing and demoralizing, and the lack of funds has also impacted on my family: my wife (though separated) and my daughter. And I selfishly wonder if the best thing to do is hope for an accident that would kill me, and allow them to collect on my decent life insurance policy (whatever else goes on, I make sure that gets paid). And of course, quite pettily, I think that they would be better off in that case, selfishly ignoring the reality that a beatnik, fiscally strapped daddy is better than a dead one.
Well, last night, for some reason, I was thinking of these things as I drove up Delaware Avenue to my apartment on Elm Street, past the Price Chopper, through the light at Elm, past the laundromat and right onto Jefferson. I was driving at a safe speed, past the dirt bar, past some houses, and then before me, almost too quickly, an Albany police car is backing into the street.
I did not realize that there was ice on the street until I tried to brake, and that failed - I skidded instead, and I tried to swerve, but ended up colliding with the cruiser, my front left corner of my car meeting his rear right corner. Plastic bumper, reflectors, other debris all over the place. I also hit a stationary van in the corner of its rear left bumper.
Dumb fucking luck to get into a car accident with a police cruiser!
This story is not about the logistics of it all, who was right (me), who was wrong (him), etc. It is about realizing that I need to be rethink my priorities. This was an accident, and I tried to avoid it, but it could have been worse. Or it could have happened elsewhere, and I could have been hit. And I still can...at any time...it happened to my dad's brother. It happened to my stepfather.
Sometimes I am not sure if there is a god...at least not the type of entity that takes an interest in our daily lives at such a micro level. I am sure, or at least I want to interpret it as such, that a message was sent to me, regarding all that talk of death and life insurance and being more valuable to my daughter dead.
I think I got it.
And I should be careful about what I wish for...I might get it next time.
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3 comments:
I know everyone has thoughts of "so-and-so would be better off...". I admit I, too, have had those thoughts in the past - but there is no such thing as "better off". Everyone is precious to someone in a special kind of way!My friend, I'm happy nothing major came out of this accident other than the cars cracking!!!
Interesting story, Ford. First, I understand. Second, I'm glad you're still alive. I don't even really know you, but you've touched my life with your art and your e-mails; and I would miss you. If I would miss you, I can only imagine how many others closer to you would miss you. Keep the faith, Ford!
Ford...I know how you feel on a lot of levels...have been going through some similar thought processes myself lately and have recently decided to seek some medical relief. I just wanted you to know that though we don't keep in touch, I read your blog on a regular basis and have always found it to be an inspiration to me, regardless of the tone of the particular entry...your openness, honesty, and willingness to put yourself out there with your thoughts and your artwork are very refreshing and keep me coming back on a regular basis. Sometimes you don't realize the people you have an impact on, worlds away. You were always a good brother and I've no doubt you're a fantastic father, regardless of all else. Keep it up and everything will truly work out as it should. God is real...and things happen for a reason. Peace.
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