Control

One of the major issues which I have to address if I want to move forward and be healed is the issue of control. Perhaps due to my deep-seated fear of loss, and due to my desire to try hard to keep close those whom I am afraid to lose, I need to feel as though I have some semblance of control. It's a side effect which has lasting repurcussions.

Another issue of control is worrying about whether or not others believe that they have some sense of control over me. Because if they feel that way, then it must mean that my perception of control over myself and my ability to move independently is a delusion.

But, the key to this whole thought exercise is in two small words: let go.

I need to let go, not necessarily of people but of the idea that I have any type of control, that I can make people stay near me, that I can make people want me or desire me, and I need to also let go of the idea that it matters whether or not someone feels that they have control over me. If someone feels that my emotional behavior allows them a sense of control, then perhaps I should be happy if they feel empowered, instead of resisting. The resisting the notion is what causes the friction.

And I need to let go of the idea that what had come before needs to exist in the same form...people grow, relationships change, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. Part of letting go is the understanding that these changes, however painful in the short run, are not necessarily bad. They just are. And I can't control how they happen. I can impact them, but not control them.

This is not easy to do. I come from a family of control freaks, but I don't think that I can ever be happy in any relationship or with myself if I don't learn to let go, to breathe easy, to give up the notion that having control is so important.

And I need to start soon, if not now.