Letting Go...and Giving Thanks

Yesterday, I had an interesting discussion with my therapist, a decent guy who seems to show an interest in my well-being. We discussed the issue of control, of learning to "let go," of finding a way to tear down some of the walls that keep my head and my heart separated.

It is a huge chasm between my emotions and my ability to express them...or is it my willingness to express them? After almost 40 years, castle walls and moats and iron gates and more walls have been built around myself. It is a wonder at times that I actually got married, that I was able right after knowing the marriage was ending to engage in another relationship (which, as we learned, I contributed to immolating), that I am capable of having an open and honest friendship with anyone, including my poetry pal/wing gal, or my pal at the Ginger Man.

Another word that emerged as a theme, a motif, was "paradox." The desire to reach out and the ability to reach out is often thwarted by a need to close down, to shut off, to destroy relationships before they are ended. All I can do is find my way out of this paradox to be thoroughly content...to break down the walls, cross the moats, venture out like Don Quixote...with some armor and a helmet. To not be afraid of failure and to go forth and faced it! To be willing to march into hell...

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I am thankful for a lot. I have developed a decent support system, having good friends, a great future ex-wife, a great little girl, my family in Georgia and other places, my long-time friend (who is making me thanksgiving dinner tomorrow, despite the fact she is under the weather), my wing gal (who is one of the few I am willing to open up), plus some neat new connections.

And I am writing, painting, walking, going to find a way to reach out and let go...not of people but of those walls that keep me from truly being the loving person I am.