This is an age of exploration for me...not of the external type, but internally. Despite the myriad downsides of euthanizing a marriage, there is a positive, and that is the freedom to explore.
From 2005 forward, I would sit at bars and campaign, teach college courses, and walk the streets of Albany, enjoying the sights and sounds and smells of the women I meet and see and would think to myself, "god, I wish I were single." Of course, being married and monogamous, I quickly recanted and buried such thoughts, but they were there. Never cheating, never thinking to ask to "open" the marriage, such thoughts festered...an undercurrent that stayed with me.
But back in January, when we formally agreed to end the marriage and move - slowly - toward separation, the floodgates started to open. Being as shy as I knew I was in person, I first began to explore various websites...using my strengths as an e-mailer to reach out. I've been successful in that approach on a couple of fronts...and I have actually made friends with the woman who is now my landlord (but not a lover) through a site, and made acquaintance with my dear friend (also not a lover, but more...much more, much deeper) through online networking.
[A friend of mine cautioned me about the online connection, especially with regard to dating, and my argument was that, if you were looking for casual encounters, it was safer that the era of 1970s and 1980s barhopping, when you didn't have the opportunity to research someone and see if they were telling the truth about themselves to you. I have even used Google as a reference, encouraging women to "look me up." You meet someone in a bar and take them home, you could end up with a nightmare scenario. Online, you at least have some hope of gaining some peace of mind. Not always, but sometimes.]
But back to exploring. I am free to explore, to wander (like the Dion song), to engage in relationships that range from agapic to platonic to erotic and a mix of all three. And I have; and I embrace each experience and relish the passion and the pain (when it occurs) and integrate each woman and each moment into my being. And, beyond the relationship with Mrs. McLain (which has its good and bad days), there has been some pain...mostly due to my own intensity, lack of forthrightness, and emotional recklessness, but there is always with pain a sense of redemption, of hope. With most friendships, I keep my eye to the future...always play long-ball, may get annoyed and irritated, may consider burning my bridges, but always calm down and do the internal cost-benefit analysis. No relationship with any woman is worth tossing away, unless she wants no part of me. Then to hell with it. Otherwise, there's always some amount of redemption.
And then there is the short term pleasure. Since running for office, thinking about being single, meeting and greeting, shaking hands, touching shoulders, smelling perfumes, I have become more sexualized. Always a man of passion, more internal than external, it has become a bit more unleashed. More risks, more fun. Not desperately but intensely, I enjoy touch, and I enjoy being close enough to almost taste the perfume on her neck. And I enjoy eyes and eye contact (although at times I shift mine away first...old fears of rejection). And I love the sound of certain women's voices. The clean enunciation of some, the mild accents of others, the laughter, and sometimes the tears. And even the admonishments. But always the voices.
And then there is the eschewing of the old myth of romantic love. How many people have chased after a one true love, then being disillusioned when the one they thought was "it" was not it. The pedestals we place under people without their consent...how quickly they fall when the pedestal, only made of clay, crumbles. And then back on the search for that mythic true one.
For me, there is no one true love. There are many loves, many who meet my emotional, intellectual, and spirtual needs. Some with whom I am physically linked, some just emotionally or intellectually. The one lesson I learned is, one person cannot be expected to meet all my needs, and I cannot expect to meet all of anyone's needs. I no longer expect one woman to love just me. That is unfair. It may work for others but not me. I do not mock exclusivity; it works for some, but I do not ask it of anyone, and hope that they do not ask it of me.
So, the exploration continues. The new framework is a bit more liberating...no more eggs all in one basket. Friends and family may not understand or appreciate this, but all I can say (with love) is, back me up or stay out of my way! And for those who do understand and appreciate what I write, stay tuned...it should be a fun ride.
